August 25, 2011

Just Saying Thank You! (This had me in tears as I wrote it so u might wanna get some tissue)...

As I sit here and think of where GOD has bought me from - all I can do is CRY.. When I'm sitting here listening to my IPod and songs like.. Avant's -My First Love and Separted and Buju Bunton - Wanna be loved - all I can do is CRY, Thinking about all the stuff  I've been thru to make me stronger. This is what I came up with when the tears we all gone and I STOPPED... Thank you guys .... Just in case you had no idea ... your  now a part of my life story....

Here we go.....(can't use real names- but they are recorded on layout)
It might be time to write this letter to every man that was a major part of my life:
I first wanna thank (TB), for beating me as a young lady and telling me he loved me, thanking GOD for given me enough since to walk away, and help me stay away even when he kept calling and tell me he needed me and loved me. (approx 1986) TB you will never hit me again.
I wanna then thank (CB) for knowing what I went thru with (TB) and having the malice in his heart to do the same. I am not a pounching bag. What a total mistake, you will not beat me.. once was enought, and I thanks GOD for allowing me to know and experince if you hit me one time you will hit me again....and again..... Incase you didn't know that's why I walked out!....I do Thank You (CB) for given me my son Nicholas Baker. (apprx 1991)Thank you GOD for given me the strengeth to know I deserve better than him (CB). I wanna also thank (LJ) for begin a good privider in the begining, but after seeing what allowed you to be that Good provider realizing that was your life and not mine, and to know I wanted and expected better for my boys ( a better role model) - one of them being your son Najee Johnson now 17. I'm Thanking GOD for allowing me to see what you were into and know that, that life was not for me....Given me that working spirit and attutude to make my own money to support my boys alone. I Started Going back to school to better myself for them. Knowing that once again I deserve and desired better than you.
Knowing at a young age that I was a diamond and should always be treated as such, were did I go wriong... I will always Thank GOD for allowing Eddie Wellington and Chris Myers ( Postive males in my LIFE) to be a Major Part of my life, and allowing these two men to encouraged me in my teenage years.

Why didn't I keep the thoughts in my mind of me being a Diamond?
Not all my relationship were bad they were just not the men for me...Knowing something was missing when Eddie Passed away,(Aprox 2006)I prayer to GOD to let me know that the man that I loved in HIGH SCHOOL would be ok....But Trusting and Praying to GOD for his promise on my life.

Then I wanna thank (AM) boy could I pickem, for all of you that know the story, thank you (AM) for thinking and treating me like an round the way girl,( LL Cool J) (not knowing when GOD has Blessed you with an Angel - how crazy were you) I told you when I'm done ..  I'm done, I even told you to ask my son's father but no your knew better. Thank you for making me feel like I wanted to erase the 2 years we were together FOREVER, What HELL you made me live in, but it's all good I stayed and tried to help. I told you ... you would never find another Barbara and in 2007, when you can to the job to tell me WOW! Bee your right they no others Barbara's out there .. all I could say is TOLD YOU SO! ( and yes I'm patting my own back .. cause yes i'm a great person and a wonderful friend to have) .... 
Still Thanking GOD that I came out with a sound mind, the head games were the worst. And after all that I wanna also thank (RC) for being Mr. GQ or thinking he was. He did always showered me with expensive gift with no true love behind then. ( what is a gift if it's not from the heart) SINCELESS !..... Walking out on me when I was dignosed with CANCER what a special man. Having the nerve to tell me It's my LOSS, are you really for real....

I thank GOD for allowing me to focus at this time more on GOD and not running behind another no go man....I wanna also thank (BRW) for begin a majoy part of my life getting married on Oct 3,2009 and deciding to file for a divorce Oct 2010, realizing that this man and marraige is not for me. I didn't get maried for my hubby to live in NYC, (Asking my in May 2010 for 2yrs more to relocate, also telling me that he married me so that I would not marry someone else... How selfish..... I told you I can pickem). Honesty why would I marry you if I knew you needed 2 yrs to move....

Update Happily Divoriced August 12th, 2011
GOD knows, I'm Not bitter just thanking GOD for all that he has done in my LIFE, I have relized that (BRW) was not the man that GOD had picked out for me. Learning from my Pastors sermons some things are God allowed not God ordered. (That is so true)

What i'm sorry for is trying to make a life with men that I knew would never love me .. like i should have been loved or ven uncondionally...So for that i'm sorry.....

*****What I had asked for from all these men were to just be HONEST, what is it that they could not be HONEST? It's not a trick question, anywhoo.... I'm still Praising  GOD and will continue to Praise Him, I know i'm not bitter, I know that God has a purpose on my life. Sometime GOD sends us on a path and because we think we know what better we have to take the long way, well that's where i'm at ... talking the long road. GOD has been with me all the way and That's a blessing in it self.

Thank you GOD , for answering my prayer back in 2006, with just a Mustard Seed of FAITH .....  I trusted in you to do what you promised you would, I now know that I'm a Diamond in your kingdom, Thanks You Lord!
Thanks you God for making me always feel like something was not right and never Give up on my purpose.

Never knowing love with my WHOLE HEART. Feeling upset and heart broken when things Didn't work out. Thank You God for allowing me to feel love with less then a whole heart, because now I've found my WHOLE HEART LOVE, and it because of you That I can now LOVE WITH A WHOLE HEART.

Looking for that someone, that I wanted to just know he was ok. (I asked GOD to show me a sign back in 2006 that you would be ok, never in a million of years would I have though you would be here)..

Thank You Lord.....
In the right time part two will be posted.....´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•' Have A Great Day!
~Love Barbara~

1 comment:

Keshet said...

What an honest, touching blog post. Love:)